"Small victories are the key to survival."
How funny, or silly, am I that I seem to keep finding great thoughts from a guy on the Discovery Channel that eats yak eyeballs? But I promise, he says some great things.
The past few weeks have been hard, but they seem to keep getting harder everyday. I fall more in love with my babies everyday and Nate and I are getting more exhausted everyday. There were many times last week when I broke down and thought, "I simply can not do this anymore. I have no more strength to go on...Lord, I am tired."
It has been a long and tiring 14 weeks - 14 weeks since we found out the boys were sick, had surgery, was on bedrest at home, worried about flipped chromosomes, thought the TTTS was reversing, got put on bedrest in the hospital, had the babies, recovered - partially - from a c-section, and now drive back and forth to the hospital everyday multiple times to see my boys. I still haven't seen Blake's face entirely...
Like I said, exhaustion was beginning to set in. There was a night last week where we were at the hospital and I was with Owen and Nate was with Blake and as I sat and held Owen, I just cried. I am sure he was thinking, "Seriously mom, are you already embarrassing me?!" I sat there for an hour singing and crying to him until Nate came into switch and was totally caught off guard by his crying wife. Now hormones give me one excuse, but in all honesty, it was just a really sad moment. I felt as though this time would never be over and I would never get to bring my boys home. I worried about how I was missing the first weeks of their lives, I was not being able to bond with them like a new mother should, they were missing out on each other. God, would this every be over? Would I ever bring them home?
But just like God, being as ever faithful as He is, delivered some encouragament the next day. For the first time in almost 3 weeks they told us something new. In the same day I was told they thought the boys would BOTH come home before their due date which was still about 6 weeks away. My heart suddenly melted as I felt so sorry for doubting God at that time.
Then this past weekend, again, I got upset. This time Nate and I were at home. We had spent a majority of the day at the hospital. We chose to not hold Blake that day because he was a little fussy and didn't want to upset him anymore. That night I called to check on him. When his nurse answered, I introduced myself as the mom of Blake. She then replied to me that they didn't have a Blake. So I began to assume I had been connected to the wrong area when she then responded..."oh wait, here he is." Not words a mother wants to hear. She then told me that his nurse was with another baby and hadn't checked my baby yet. I got off the phone and just cried. I knew that meant my little man had been laying all alone, no one talking to him, no one loving on him, no one holding him for hours...I cried and cried. Nate was so wonderful as he sat on the couch with me...allowing me to cry...and reminding me that, "at least they are here, Kim, at least they are here. We were so close to them not being here." How could I forget that?
Sometimes we get so caught up in the way we want things at that moment that we forget to look around and see that God is still moving, still working and that he has not forgotten us. It's easy to get stuck in the situation we are in. It's easy to trust more in circumstances than in God's character. But God is so good to always give us the glimer of hope that we need to keep going on. We may not get what we want at that moment - my babies coming home - but He gives us what we need for that time.
I guess it is silly to take another quote from Bear Grylls, but if anyone understands survival he does. Some days that is where I am...just trying to survive and so on those days I will take his advice and realize that small victories are the key to survival.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Heart Abandoned
I have never really thought of myself as a music person. I have always tended to listen to whatever was on the radio. I realized how very little I knew of music when I worked on the church staff in Charlotte - now there were some music aficionados.
However, music does play a great role in my life. I love it because it's often times identifiable with where I am at certain moments in time.
Now that I am a mom, my posts might be shorter than when I was sitting in the hospital with days and time to pass by. So to the point...
I had the boys two weeks ago this Thursday. July 3rd was the date 1:33pm and 1:34 pm was the time. Meeting my boys was even more sureal than I could have ever expected. As each one was born they lifted them over a blue curtain to show me their booties, and then wisked them off to stabilize them. I only got to kiss one, Owen, before they took him away to the NICU. They were unable to get an IV into Blake and so they took him before I got to make my official introduction as mom. My doctor had told me earlier in the day that I was allowed to go and see them as soon as I felt up to it that day. We were all thinking around 8pm that night. Well after a few discrepencies with nurses I was never able to go and see the boys. I had to wait until the next morning when I stuck my doctor on hte nurses and then within 5 minutes had resolved the problem I had been working on all night. So at 7 am on the 4th of July, I got to meet my boys.
Now, the whole night before people were coming in with pictures of my babies. Introducing me via digital camerea. I just sat there and looked at these pictures thinking...those are cute babies...but they just look like babies...they don't look like my babies. Even after meeting them for the first time...I was unable to hold them I could simply look at them through isolates...again thinking...cute kids...but those are mine?
Over the next few days I got to hold them...love on them...kiss their heads and slowly and surely they felt more like mine. I was dischared that Sunday and as Nate drive me home we were listening to a Hillsong United CD. There was one song that brought me to tears....
"The Stand"
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
All of a sudden I was in stark realization of what had happened and what we had been through for the past 11 weeks. I was in awe of the one who had given it all - given life - to my babies. And at that point what could I say? All I could do was cry. I had to stand there with arms high...babies in hand...my heart being abandoned at that very moment...and one more time sacrifice my babies. Trust them completely into God's hands. We didn't get to bring them home. I had never felt more empty, yet more full than at that moment. I was completely and totally emptied of myself as I left my sweet little boys in their isolates at Texas Children's Hospital.
If that was only as hard as it had gotten. Everyday is harder. I wake up everyday thinking of them and I got to sleep every night dreaming of them. I get very anxious when it is time to go see them - I can't get there quick enough! But everyday I am reminded of God's faithfulness. Everyday I see his love for me and for my sweet boys. Everyday I get to stand in the presence of one of God's miracles.
The story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac takes on a whole new meaning to me. I know what it is like to have a son(s) against all odds. To know that this is the child (children) that you have prayed for so long for. I know what it is like to take that long journey trusting every step of the way that God will provide. Jehovah-Jireh...
God will provide, God is providing, it is his character. Because of that I can face each day though it is hard. Because of that I can trust my boys in his care though they aren't here at home with me. Because of that I get the help with what I need the most to wake up each day and stand.
However, music does play a great role in my life. I love it because it's often times identifiable with where I am at certain moments in time.
Now that I am a mom, my posts might be shorter than when I was sitting in the hospital with days and time to pass by. So to the point...
I had the boys two weeks ago this Thursday. July 3rd was the date 1:33pm and 1:34 pm was the time. Meeting my boys was even more sureal than I could have ever expected. As each one was born they lifted them over a blue curtain to show me their booties, and then wisked them off to stabilize them. I only got to kiss one, Owen, before they took him away to the NICU. They were unable to get an IV into Blake and so they took him before I got to make my official introduction as mom. My doctor had told me earlier in the day that I was allowed to go and see them as soon as I felt up to it that day. We were all thinking around 8pm that night. Well after a few discrepencies with nurses I was never able to go and see the boys. I had to wait until the next morning when I stuck my doctor on hte nurses and then within 5 minutes had resolved the problem I had been working on all night. So at 7 am on the 4th of July, I got to meet my boys.
Now, the whole night before people were coming in with pictures of my babies. Introducing me via digital camerea. I just sat there and looked at these pictures thinking...those are cute babies...but they just look like babies...they don't look like my babies. Even after meeting them for the first time...I was unable to hold them I could simply look at them through isolates...again thinking...cute kids...but those are mine?
Over the next few days I got to hold them...love on them...kiss their heads and slowly and surely they felt more like mine. I was dischared that Sunday and as Nate drive me home we were listening to a Hillsong United CD. There was one song that brought me to tears....
"The Stand"
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
All of a sudden I was in stark realization of what had happened and what we had been through for the past 11 weeks. I was in awe of the one who had given it all - given life - to my babies. And at that point what could I say? All I could do was cry. I had to stand there with arms high...babies in hand...my heart being abandoned at that very moment...and one more time sacrifice my babies. Trust them completely into God's hands. We didn't get to bring them home. I had never felt more empty, yet more full than at that moment. I was completely and totally emptied of myself as I left my sweet little boys in their isolates at Texas Children's Hospital.
If that was only as hard as it had gotten. Everyday is harder. I wake up everyday thinking of them and I got to sleep every night dreaming of them. I get very anxious when it is time to go see them - I can't get there quick enough! But everyday I am reminded of God's faithfulness. Everyday I see his love for me and for my sweet boys. Everyday I get to stand in the presence of one of God's miracles.
The story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac takes on a whole new meaning to me. I know what it is like to have a son(s) against all odds. To know that this is the child (children) that you have prayed for so long for. I know what it is like to take that long journey trusting every step of the way that God will provide. Jehovah-Jireh...
God will provide, God is providing, it is his character. Because of that I can face each day though it is hard. Because of that I can trust my boys in his care though they aren't here at home with me. Because of that I get the help with what I need the most to wake up each day and stand.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
My prayer for my boys
So as I lay here at 4am the morning of the boys birthday I find myself wide awake and thinking and waiting with anticipation.
We finally decided on the middle name for Blake tonight-Daniel. Now both boys have biblical names with meanings we pray they live up to.
Blake Daniel-
Daniel means God is my judge. I pray that you live a life that is counter culture with a faith that is unwaivering. That at a young age you are setting a precedent that you won't change, won't back down and that you willing to bow when everyone stands and willing to take a stand when everyone else bows. May you live your life concious of who you are living for - may God be your judge.
Owen Nathaniel-
Nathaniel means gift from God. I pray that you live a life where you are a constant blessing to others. I pray that you are a reminder everyday and in every intetaction of God's provision and plan. That people are strengthened and encouraged by your faith and your story and drawn closer to Him after spending time with you. I pray that you are as much of a gift for others as you are to your dad and I.
Above all we pray you come to know Christ as your Savior and fall more in love with him everyday.
We finally decided on the middle name for Blake tonight-Daniel. Now both boys have biblical names with meanings we pray they live up to.
Blake Daniel-
Daniel means God is my judge. I pray that you live a life that is counter culture with a faith that is unwaivering. That at a young age you are setting a precedent that you won't change, won't back down and that you willing to bow when everyone stands and willing to take a stand when everyone else bows. May you live your life concious of who you are living for - may God be your judge.
Owen Nathaniel-
Nathaniel means gift from God. I pray that you live a life where you are a constant blessing to others. I pray that you are a reminder everyday and in every intetaction of God's provision and plan. That people are strengthened and encouraged by your faith and your story and drawn closer to Him after spending time with you. I pray that you are as much of a gift for others as you are to your dad and I.
Above all we pray you come to know Christ as your Savior and fall more in love with him everyday.
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Perspective of Expectations
I have been learning a lot lately about expectations. So many of the things I had been expecting for the past few months have clearly turned out nothing at all like I thought they would!
#1 - I expected to have an easy and normal pregnancy. We got pregnant very easily. They also tell you your pregnancy will be much like your mothers - and my mom had three easy and healthy pregnancies.
#2 - I expected to have ONE baby. Never in a million years did Nate and I expect to have twins!
#3 - I never expected my boys to be sick. I suppose this goes alot with expectation #1.
#4 - I expected full term twin babies that would be a normal 5-6lbs each.
#5 - I expected to be decorating their nursery between weeks 27 and 31...not waiting the days away in a hospital room.
The list really could go on and on.
Now I hope hearing all of that didn't make you sad for me, because there is nothing to be sad about. We have much rejoicing to be doing, friends. We are 6 days away from our initial goal for the babies.
But what I do hope you hear is the lesson that I have been learning the past few weeks. That sometimes we need to stop living our lives comparing what we have with what we wanted or expected to get out of it. That seems to be the biggest joy stealer I can think of.
It would be so easy for me to get bummed out because of our circumstances, and to be honest there have been times when I have. But in those moments, I have to stop and gain some perspective on my expectations.
Let me go back over the five I mentioned and show you the perspective I have gained through each of these.
#1 - A "normal pregnancy" Would I have chosen this? No, absoltely not. But I think of what I have learned during this time. On how it has opened my heart to being more sympathetic to the numerous women who can't get pregnant, have had miscarriages and it has opened my eyes to the miracle of life that is going on inside of me. I have also seen what is going on to us encourage those around us in their faith. Not that normal pregnancies don't accomplish the same, but I can see how God is specifically using this for his glory.
#2 - Twins. Nate and I honestly feel as though we have won the lottery. To be brutally honest there have been moments where I thought, "Lord, if you had only given me one baby - I would have had a normal pregnancy." And then I think how silly that sounds. I am so attached to my boys that I have no idea how in the world I could ever think about life without the both of them. We also know that since they are identical - it's not inherited. God really wanted us to have these twins.
#3 - The boys being sick. I saw a woman on The Today Show last week. She was a mother of one year old sextuplets. Right after she gave birth to her kids she went into heart failure and almost died. She got better and this year while raising 6 babies, she found the time to also train for a marathon. When asked why by Matt her reponse was, "I think the Lord allowed me to go through that so that I never took this year for granted, because I almost didn't get to have a year with my babies." I think our situation is similar. I am sure there are going to be many, many days where we want to pull our hair out because twins will not be easy. But we can also be reassured during those stressful moments of the hours, days, weeks, and months that we prayed for these babies. And that they truly are little miracles. And that the Lord has something huge in store for them because he chose to save them.
#4 - Full term, big babies. Nate and I visited the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit - the nursery) the other night. We saw the tiniest baby ever...and when asked how big that baby was...we were told 1lb, 10 oz. We think our little Blake is 1lb 6oz. It was a shock to both Nate and I to imagine that our baby will be that tiny. But that baby was also 26 weeks when he was born. If everything keeps heading the right way, the boys will be 32 weeks. Right after the surgery we were told if we could make it to 32 weeks we would be high fiving each other in the hospital. Now it would be really easy to be so sad that our babies will be so little and that they have to stay in the NICU for a while, or we can be so happy that our babies made it this far. They met the goal! They have done exceedingly well and 9 weeks ago today we were anxiously waiting to see if they still even had heartbeats post surgery.
#5 - No bed rest. Bed rest has not been fun or easy and I wish I could have been home getting ready for their arrival and I am sure Nate wishes he was getting homecooked meals and actually sleeping on a bed. But bed rest has really brought us together. Seeing my sweet husband is what I look forward to each day. I know that God has also used this time to slow me down. Keep my focused on him and preparing me for what is to come in less than a week.
I walk you through all of these because I really have learned that is okay to have expectations. It's wonderful to hope and dream. But what we have to learn is that we sometimes have to gain some perspective to understand them better.
It makes me think of the jewish people and what their expectations were for their coming Messiah. They wanted a king, they wanted someone to make right the years of oppression they had suffered. Their expectations were for a savior...on the earthly side.
What they got was something/someone totally opposite. They got someone who never exalted himself, but constantly lowered himself. They got someone who took on more oppression that their minds could comprehend. And most importantly they got someone who was a savior but for eternity.
I always think about how the disciples must have felt whenever they saw Christ hanging on the cross. Talk about expectations being thrown out the window.
But what I love is that their perspectives also changed. It took a while, but they finally got it. They were finally able to understand that their expectations of a savior coming were good, they just had to learn to stop looking through their own eyes and look for what God was doing in and through them.
#1 - I expected to have an easy and normal pregnancy. We got pregnant very easily. They also tell you your pregnancy will be much like your mothers - and my mom had three easy and healthy pregnancies.
#2 - I expected to have ONE baby. Never in a million years did Nate and I expect to have twins!
#3 - I never expected my boys to be sick. I suppose this goes alot with expectation #1.
#4 - I expected full term twin babies that would be a normal 5-6lbs each.
#5 - I expected to be decorating their nursery between weeks 27 and 31...not waiting the days away in a hospital room.
The list really could go on and on.
Now I hope hearing all of that didn't make you sad for me, because there is nothing to be sad about. We have much rejoicing to be doing, friends. We are 6 days away from our initial goal for the babies.
But what I do hope you hear is the lesson that I have been learning the past few weeks. That sometimes we need to stop living our lives comparing what we have with what we wanted or expected to get out of it. That seems to be the biggest joy stealer I can think of.
It would be so easy for me to get bummed out because of our circumstances, and to be honest there have been times when I have. But in those moments, I have to stop and gain some perspective on my expectations.
Let me go back over the five I mentioned and show you the perspective I have gained through each of these.
#1 - A "normal pregnancy" Would I have chosen this? No, absoltely not. But I think of what I have learned during this time. On how it has opened my heart to being more sympathetic to the numerous women who can't get pregnant, have had miscarriages and it has opened my eyes to the miracle of life that is going on inside of me. I have also seen what is going on to us encourage those around us in their faith. Not that normal pregnancies don't accomplish the same, but I can see how God is specifically using this for his glory.
#2 - Twins. Nate and I honestly feel as though we have won the lottery. To be brutally honest there have been moments where I thought, "Lord, if you had only given me one baby - I would have had a normal pregnancy." And then I think how silly that sounds. I am so attached to my boys that I have no idea how in the world I could ever think about life without the both of them. We also know that since they are identical - it's not inherited. God really wanted us to have these twins.
#3 - The boys being sick. I saw a woman on The Today Show last week. She was a mother of one year old sextuplets. Right after she gave birth to her kids she went into heart failure and almost died. She got better and this year while raising 6 babies, she found the time to also train for a marathon. When asked why by Matt her reponse was, "I think the Lord allowed me to go through that so that I never took this year for granted, because I almost didn't get to have a year with my babies." I think our situation is similar. I am sure there are going to be many, many days where we want to pull our hair out because twins will not be easy. But we can also be reassured during those stressful moments of the hours, days, weeks, and months that we prayed for these babies. And that they truly are little miracles. And that the Lord has something huge in store for them because he chose to save them.
#4 - Full term, big babies. Nate and I visited the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit - the nursery) the other night. We saw the tiniest baby ever...and when asked how big that baby was...we were told 1lb, 10 oz. We think our little Blake is 1lb 6oz. It was a shock to both Nate and I to imagine that our baby will be that tiny. But that baby was also 26 weeks when he was born. If everything keeps heading the right way, the boys will be 32 weeks. Right after the surgery we were told if we could make it to 32 weeks we would be high fiving each other in the hospital. Now it would be really easy to be so sad that our babies will be so little and that they have to stay in the NICU for a while, or we can be so happy that our babies made it this far. They met the goal! They have done exceedingly well and 9 weeks ago today we were anxiously waiting to see if they still even had heartbeats post surgery.
#5 - No bed rest. Bed rest has not been fun or easy and I wish I could have been home getting ready for their arrival and I am sure Nate wishes he was getting homecooked meals and actually sleeping on a bed. But bed rest has really brought us together. Seeing my sweet husband is what I look forward to each day. I know that God has also used this time to slow me down. Keep my focused on him and preparing me for what is to come in less than a week.
I walk you through all of these because I really have learned that is okay to have expectations. It's wonderful to hope and dream. But what we have to learn is that we sometimes have to gain some perspective to understand them better.
It makes me think of the jewish people and what their expectations were for their coming Messiah. They wanted a king, they wanted someone to make right the years of oppression they had suffered. Their expectations were for a savior...on the earthly side.
What they got was something/someone totally opposite. They got someone who never exalted himself, but constantly lowered himself. They got someone who took on more oppression that their minds could comprehend. And most importantly they got someone who was a savior but for eternity.
I always think about how the disciples must have felt whenever they saw Christ hanging on the cross. Talk about expectations being thrown out the window.
But what I love is that their perspectives also changed. It took a while, but they finally got it. They were finally able to understand that their expectations of a savior coming were good, they just had to learn to stop looking through their own eyes and look for what God was doing in and through them.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Sacrifice
This whole process has been a process of sacrifice. Our boys are in this situation because at the core of their disease one was sacrificing itself for the other. Nate and I have sacrificed, our families, friends and church family have all sacrificed. Sometimes it's joyful and sometimes it has been hard.
This word and theme have been resonating in my mind lately. It has shown up in lots of ways over the past few days.
Every time I hear a knock on room Y330's door and a friendly face comes in the room, I am humbled at the sacrifice it took for them to get here. I think about the gas money, the parking money, and time and energy to come and see me. I have had some many faithful friends come. My college roommates and their family have been here every week. They all live in Houston but let's remember Houston is huge! They drive 45 minutes to an hour, find babysitters for their kids, take time off of work all to come sit and play games with me. Their parents have washed my clothes, brought me food and this great computer, and brought Nate to and from the hospital so he didn't have to pay for parking.
Last week I was surprised by my grandma, mom, sister and sister-in-law who drove spontaneously from Dallas to see me for a night. They had to do something with their kids, husbands and put up with each other for a long 5 hour drive!
People I have met once from Nate's office have come to see me. Church staff, students from the church (which I know means their parent's sacrificed to either bring them or let them drive downtown!), and friends. Every time I am amazed.
Yesterday I was blessed with visitors ALL day...it was great. Some of my sweet friends from church came. One of the ladies in the group brought me a really funny card that inside had a precious note as well as some money for Nate and I (if you are reading this, I hope you don't mind I am sharing...there is a point!). I was blown away by her generosity. It is expensive driving down here and parking every night.
I got a call later that afternoon from Nate. We have been trying to be conscious with our spending since we don't even have a ball park guess of how much all of this will cost. He called me to tell me a story. He was out running errands and came out of a store where he saw a man leaning up against a truck. He knew this man was going to ask for money and sure enough he did, but for gas money. He said he was on his way home to Conroe from Indiana and was on fumes. So Nate told the man to follow him to the gas station and he would get him some gas. As Nate drove there he was thinking to himself, "How much should I give him? $10 - that is only 2 tanks of gas...$20? Maybe I should just fill it up all of the way." So when he got there that is just what he did. He pumped this guy's gas and filled his tank all the way.
Nate called me on his way home to ask me if it was okay that he had spent money doing that. I got to tell him that not only was it OK, but what he didn't know was that while he was doing that, someone was giving us something as well. What we had received ended up being twice as much as what Nate had given. God is so faithful.
I also think about sacrifice every night when I see my sweet husband come and sleep on this skinny old green couch in my room. Thank goodness he is so "lean" (that is what he calls it, I call it skinny!). We are also thankful it's long enough! But he comes in every night with his sack lunch and back pack. He gets here around 6:30pm and is here until about 6:30 every morning. I tell him every day that he doesn't have to come. That he can stay at home. And every time I say that he tells me that the boys and I are his priority, and that there is no where else he would rather be. I know this has to be wearing on him. He works all day, washes clothes and does chores at lunch and then comes to get an alright night of sleep. He does this for me, I know. He wants to encourage me and let me know I am not alone through this.
I also think of a conversation I had with a friend of mine from Charlotte a few weeks ago. She too just had a baby, and she was on bed rest for a significant part of her pregnancy. Right after my surgery we were both on bed rest and talking one day and she said, "Kim, I just view this as a way we are all serving each other by sacrificing for each other. Nate is serving you by taking care of you, and you are serving your babies by doing what is best for them." I pray that one day they will serve others through sacrificing for them.
All of this makes me think of the scripture in Matthew 25. Jesus is telling parables and he talks about when God the Father will separate the sheep from the goats. Salvation comes from believing in Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for us. It comes from grace and that alone. Nothing we can do. However, when we fully understand the grace that we have received and we can comprehend the sacrifice that was for us the way we look should change. Our actions should change. We should be identifiable with Christ by our actions. In the parable Jesus is telling, God the Father separates the goats and sheep based on what they did.
Matthew 25:35-36.
"35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
Maybe we can replace the end of verse 36 from being in prison to being on bed rest in the hospital. I am pretty sure they are really close to the same, but I digress:).
What I think I appreciate about this verse more now than ever before is that what the believers did was what was needed right then. Not what was convenient to them. They just did it. So many times we have great intentions and we really want to help and do things...but we allow other things to get in the way. The junk of our ever day lives that get in the way of the ministry that God has set right before us. We are usually doing so many things that it is hard for us to stop and follow the model that Christ set for us - the model of sacrifice.
I looked up some synonyms of sacrifice and found these words - forfeit, forgo, give.
I was also given a great poem about waiting by a friend of mine. I don't know who wrote it, but the last three lines of it are the following:
Waiting is letting go of control, wishes, wants, desires, plans
it's accepting what God has in store
opening hands to accept good gifts
When we have a sacrificial attitude in our lives. When we walk around willing to forfeit, forgo and give of ourselves and what we want and what we have time for, we sometimes end up waiting on God to fulfill what we need or have given up in that time. But I love the end of this poem because it shows that we can't really receive it until our hands are empty. The only way they get empty is to sacrifice, forfeit, forgo what we were holding onto in the first place.
This word and theme have been resonating in my mind lately. It has shown up in lots of ways over the past few days.
Every time I hear a knock on room Y330's door and a friendly face comes in the room, I am humbled at the sacrifice it took for them to get here. I think about the gas money, the parking money, and time and energy to come and see me. I have had some many faithful friends come. My college roommates and their family have been here every week. They all live in Houston but let's remember Houston is huge! They drive 45 minutes to an hour, find babysitters for their kids, take time off of work all to come sit and play games with me. Their parents have washed my clothes, brought me food and this great computer, and brought Nate to and from the hospital so he didn't have to pay for parking.
Last week I was surprised by my grandma, mom, sister and sister-in-law who drove spontaneously from Dallas to see me for a night. They had to do something with their kids, husbands and put up with each other for a long 5 hour drive!
People I have met once from Nate's office have come to see me. Church staff, students from the church (which I know means their parent's sacrificed to either bring them or let them drive downtown!), and friends. Every time I am amazed.
Yesterday I was blessed with visitors ALL day...it was great. Some of my sweet friends from church came. One of the ladies in the group brought me a really funny card that inside had a precious note as well as some money for Nate and I (if you are reading this, I hope you don't mind I am sharing...there is a point!). I was blown away by her generosity. It is expensive driving down here and parking every night.
I got a call later that afternoon from Nate. We have been trying to be conscious with our spending since we don't even have a ball park guess of how much all of this will cost. He called me to tell me a story. He was out running errands and came out of a store where he saw a man leaning up against a truck. He knew this man was going to ask for money and sure enough he did, but for gas money. He said he was on his way home to Conroe from Indiana and was on fumes. So Nate told the man to follow him to the gas station and he would get him some gas. As Nate drove there he was thinking to himself, "How much should I give him? $10 - that is only 2 tanks of gas...$20? Maybe I should just fill it up all of the way." So when he got there that is just what he did. He pumped this guy's gas and filled his tank all the way.
Nate called me on his way home to ask me if it was okay that he had spent money doing that. I got to tell him that not only was it OK, but what he didn't know was that while he was doing that, someone was giving us something as well. What we had received ended up being twice as much as what Nate had given. God is so faithful.
I also think about sacrifice every night when I see my sweet husband come and sleep on this skinny old green couch in my room. Thank goodness he is so "lean" (that is what he calls it, I call it skinny!). We are also thankful it's long enough! But he comes in every night with his sack lunch and back pack. He gets here around 6:30pm and is here until about 6:30 every morning. I tell him every day that he doesn't have to come. That he can stay at home. And every time I say that he tells me that the boys and I are his priority, and that there is no where else he would rather be. I know this has to be wearing on him. He works all day, washes clothes and does chores at lunch and then comes to get an alright night of sleep. He does this for me, I know. He wants to encourage me and let me know I am not alone through this.
I also think of a conversation I had with a friend of mine from Charlotte a few weeks ago. She too just had a baby, and she was on bed rest for a significant part of her pregnancy. Right after my surgery we were both on bed rest and talking one day and she said, "Kim, I just view this as a way we are all serving each other by sacrificing for each other. Nate is serving you by taking care of you, and you are serving your babies by doing what is best for them." I pray that one day they will serve others through sacrificing for them.
All of this makes me think of the scripture in Matthew 25. Jesus is telling parables and he talks about when God the Father will separate the sheep from the goats. Salvation comes from believing in Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for us. It comes from grace and that alone. Nothing we can do. However, when we fully understand the grace that we have received and we can comprehend the sacrifice that was for us the way we look should change. Our actions should change. We should be identifiable with Christ by our actions. In the parable Jesus is telling, God the Father separates the goats and sheep based on what they did.
Matthew 25:35-36.
"35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
Maybe we can replace the end of verse 36 from being in prison to being on bed rest in the hospital. I am pretty sure they are really close to the same, but I digress:).
What I think I appreciate about this verse more now than ever before is that what the believers did was what was needed right then. Not what was convenient to them. They just did it. So many times we have great intentions and we really want to help and do things...but we allow other things to get in the way. The junk of our ever day lives that get in the way of the ministry that God has set right before us. We are usually doing so many things that it is hard for us to stop and follow the model that Christ set for us - the model of sacrifice.
I looked up some synonyms of sacrifice and found these words - forfeit, forgo, give.
I was also given a great poem about waiting by a friend of mine. I don't know who wrote it, but the last three lines of it are the following:
Waiting is letting go of control, wishes, wants, desires, plans
it's accepting what God has in store
opening hands to accept good gifts
When we have a sacrificial attitude in our lives. When we walk around willing to forfeit, forgo and give of ourselves and what we want and what we have time for, we sometimes end up waiting on God to fulfill what we need or have given up in that time. But I love the end of this poem because it shows that we can't really receive it until our hands are empty. The only way they get empty is to sacrifice, forfeit, forgo what we were holding onto in the first place.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Instinct Medicine
I firmly believe that God has been before us, with us, and behind us during this entire experience. I feel like the Israelites that were led out of Egypt by Moses. Pillars of clouds and fire that led them where they needed to go, the presence of God in those pillars to show that he was there, and the Red Sea closing in behind them to keep them from going back.
Part of the way that I know that He has been here is in the way we ended up in Houston. At our wedding, one of Nate's mentors from Allied Waste and who also happened to be one of the top 6 guys in the company, literally said to me at our reception, "I hope you have your suitcase packed and ready for Chicago." And that was our plan. Nate got offered a great job with a man he really wanted to work for but we had to move to Chicago in the late spring. We were sad to leave Charlotte, but we were also excited about the position that was to come. We began looking for homes, talking to relators, I began interviewing at churches...all to prepare us for a move that kept getting put off every few weeks.
I will never forget the spring day I was at a nail salon getting my monthly pedicure when Nate called me. When I answered the shock was clear in his voice. He had just gotten off of the phone with the Senior Vice President of the South Region who was offering him the exact same job as he was getting offered in Chicago. Differences being - he had never met this guy, and the job was in Houston. So we had our first big decision to make as a married couple. Where do we go? The job was the same both places and we had to make a decision - would we go work with the ideal boss? Or move to a more ideal place that put us in better proximity to our families? It was going to be a hard decision to make.
A wise friend of mine told me during that time, "Behind every successful man was a supportive wife." I knew that my job was to be supportive and submissive. He was/is the head of our household and I better start following him. This is my responsibility as his wife, it was the vow that I had taken not 5 months before.
I remember the night we made a decision. We had both been praying together and seperately about it. As we were talking in our living room I knew we had both made up our minds. Unfortunately they were not made the same way. Nate really felt as though we needed to move to Chicago and I really felt like we were supposed to move to Houston. We both had a slew of good reasons that we were sticking to. Once I realized his view point wasn't changing I left the house crying and just drove around the corner, sat and cried in an empty space. I was so perplexed with what to do next.
Eventually that night I went home. When I got there we talked again and I will never forget the question he asked me first, "Kim, have you really prayed about this? Or do you just want to be home in Texas?" And I gave him a very honest answer - yes I did want to be home in Texas, but I had also prayed really hard about this and really, honestly, truly, felt like that was where the Lord was leading us. Nate did something that night that has defined the way he has led our marriage ever since...he said he would continue to pray about it and take my opinion into consideration.
I don't remember how long it was after that when he came to me and told me we were moving to Houston. He had listened to me - the one who wasn't being offered the job, prayed and opened his heart to hear something different than what his heart was set on. All he wanted was to hear and do the right thing even if on paper it didn't make sense. About 6 weeks later we moved to Houston.
Don't get me wrong - we have really enjoyed our time here. We have great friends, a wonderful church, fabulous home, but it had never really been revealed why we were moved here until 8 weeks ago. The day we found out the boys were sick.
I don't think I will ever forget that day either. The bewilderment, confusion, shock and harsh reality of the words the doctor said before he rushed our of the room, "If you don't do something about this, there is a 100% both of your babies will die." We went home that afternoon not really saying anything and once we got there we just held each other and cried. Nate put it best when he said, "I am already so attached. You can see your body changing, them growing and I just can't imagine them not being here." And then he laid his head on my swollen stomach and cried. It was one of the hardest days of my life. Not only were my dreams being laid out before me, but to watch my husband weep over his unborn children was equally, if not more, difficult.
The 24 hours were very long. We had left that doctor knowing nothing about Twin-Twin Transfusion Syndrome. We attempted to research it on the internet, but it seemed no one really knew anything about it. The one thing we did learn was that there were a set of doctors here in Houston who perform this rare laser surgery. There are only 4 complete clinics in the whole country who do this - San Francisco, Cleveland, Tampa and Houston. We met with them two days later on a Wednesday and had the surgery Thursday afternoon. All of a sudden why we had been moved here was made crystal clear.
Dr. Moise, the doctor who performed the surgery, came to see us the other night on his way home from work. This is the kind of doctor he is, the kind who has been here since at least 7am and stops by our room at 8:30pm just to check in and sits and shoots the breeze until about 9:15 before he goes home to eat dinner. Some how as busy as he is he still makes us feel like we are his only patients.
I was asking him how long - with the best case scenario - would be let me carry the twins. His response was no more than 35 weeks. He began to tell me about the "kind" of medicine he practices. He said when he graduated from medical school a wise older doctor told him that in a few years he would beging practicing instinct medicine (he actually called it something different, but the word he used, I can't remember...it was a big smart person word - but essentially it meant instinct:)) He said you get to the point where you make decisions based on an instinct. You stop following all the medical books and formulas and apply what you know and feel. He said he would take our boys when he got that feeling.
I know the kind of work this doctor has done. I literally feel I have the best doctors in the world, so Nate and I told him he could take our babies whenever he felt his instinct medicine kicking in. We trusted him.
I think sometimes we should all practice some instinct medicine. So many times we need to have all the answers, all the blanks filled in and the unknown's known before we make a decision. But like with our decision to move to Houston over Chicago - it didn't make much sense at the time. It looked wrong on paper. It looked wrong for Nate's career path. But it turned out to be right where we needed to be. Even through out this experience it has seemed hard to have hope sometimes. Based on certain studies and scientific facts. But we have chosen to have hope in the one who creates and gives life. We have chosen to have hope in who He is and not what happens.
I guess what I am trying to say is when you walk with the Lord and you walk with him everyday...you can trust your heart. That is where he lives, right? I picture us walking arms over shoulders swinging our legs forward insynch looking alot like The Monkees. When you walk with the Lord your heart should look like the Lord's. And sometimes in some situations you have to look over, above, and beyond your circumstances, and what the "medical books" have to say and decide to make some decisions based on your training in instinct medicine. I think in scripture they call that faith :)
Psalm 111:10 says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom..." Maybe we should spend less time looking at our circumstances and more time looking at who God is and he will give us the ability to diagnose all of the instinct medicine we need.
Part of the way that I know that He has been here is in the way we ended up in Houston. At our wedding, one of Nate's mentors from Allied Waste and who also happened to be one of the top 6 guys in the company, literally said to me at our reception, "I hope you have your suitcase packed and ready for Chicago." And that was our plan. Nate got offered a great job with a man he really wanted to work for but we had to move to Chicago in the late spring. We were sad to leave Charlotte, but we were also excited about the position that was to come. We began looking for homes, talking to relators, I began interviewing at churches...all to prepare us for a move that kept getting put off every few weeks.
I will never forget the spring day I was at a nail salon getting my monthly pedicure when Nate called me. When I answered the shock was clear in his voice. He had just gotten off of the phone with the Senior Vice President of the South Region who was offering him the exact same job as he was getting offered in Chicago. Differences being - he had never met this guy, and the job was in Houston. So we had our first big decision to make as a married couple. Where do we go? The job was the same both places and we had to make a decision - would we go work with the ideal boss? Or move to a more ideal place that put us in better proximity to our families? It was going to be a hard decision to make.
A wise friend of mine told me during that time, "Behind every successful man was a supportive wife." I knew that my job was to be supportive and submissive. He was/is the head of our household and I better start following him. This is my responsibility as his wife, it was the vow that I had taken not 5 months before.
I remember the night we made a decision. We had both been praying together and seperately about it. As we were talking in our living room I knew we had both made up our minds. Unfortunately they were not made the same way. Nate really felt as though we needed to move to Chicago and I really felt like we were supposed to move to Houston. We both had a slew of good reasons that we were sticking to. Once I realized his view point wasn't changing I left the house crying and just drove around the corner, sat and cried in an empty space. I was so perplexed with what to do next.
Eventually that night I went home. When I got there we talked again and I will never forget the question he asked me first, "Kim, have you really prayed about this? Or do you just want to be home in Texas?" And I gave him a very honest answer - yes I did want to be home in Texas, but I had also prayed really hard about this and really, honestly, truly, felt like that was where the Lord was leading us. Nate did something that night that has defined the way he has led our marriage ever since...he said he would continue to pray about it and take my opinion into consideration.
I don't remember how long it was after that when he came to me and told me we were moving to Houston. He had listened to me - the one who wasn't being offered the job, prayed and opened his heart to hear something different than what his heart was set on. All he wanted was to hear and do the right thing even if on paper it didn't make sense. About 6 weeks later we moved to Houston.
Don't get me wrong - we have really enjoyed our time here. We have great friends, a wonderful church, fabulous home, but it had never really been revealed why we were moved here until 8 weeks ago. The day we found out the boys were sick.
I don't think I will ever forget that day either. The bewilderment, confusion, shock and harsh reality of the words the doctor said before he rushed our of the room, "If you don't do something about this, there is a 100% both of your babies will die." We went home that afternoon not really saying anything and once we got there we just held each other and cried. Nate put it best when he said, "I am already so attached. You can see your body changing, them growing and I just can't imagine them not being here." And then he laid his head on my swollen stomach and cried. It was one of the hardest days of my life. Not only were my dreams being laid out before me, but to watch my husband weep over his unborn children was equally, if not more, difficult.
The 24 hours were very long. We had left that doctor knowing nothing about Twin-Twin Transfusion Syndrome. We attempted to research it on the internet, but it seemed no one really knew anything about it. The one thing we did learn was that there were a set of doctors here in Houston who perform this rare laser surgery. There are only 4 complete clinics in the whole country who do this - San Francisco, Cleveland, Tampa and Houston. We met with them two days later on a Wednesday and had the surgery Thursday afternoon. All of a sudden why we had been moved here was made crystal clear.
Dr. Moise, the doctor who performed the surgery, came to see us the other night on his way home from work. This is the kind of doctor he is, the kind who has been here since at least 7am and stops by our room at 8:30pm just to check in and sits and shoots the breeze until about 9:15 before he goes home to eat dinner. Some how as busy as he is he still makes us feel like we are his only patients.
I was asking him how long - with the best case scenario - would be let me carry the twins. His response was no more than 35 weeks. He began to tell me about the "kind" of medicine he practices. He said when he graduated from medical school a wise older doctor told him that in a few years he would beging practicing instinct medicine (he actually called it something different, but the word he used, I can't remember...it was a big smart person word - but essentially it meant instinct:)) He said you get to the point where you make decisions based on an instinct. You stop following all the medical books and formulas and apply what you know and feel. He said he would take our boys when he got that feeling.
I know the kind of work this doctor has done. I literally feel I have the best doctors in the world, so Nate and I told him he could take our babies whenever he felt his instinct medicine kicking in. We trusted him.
I think sometimes we should all practice some instinct medicine. So many times we need to have all the answers, all the blanks filled in and the unknown's known before we make a decision. But like with our decision to move to Houston over Chicago - it didn't make much sense at the time. It looked wrong on paper. It looked wrong for Nate's career path. But it turned out to be right where we needed to be. Even through out this experience it has seemed hard to have hope sometimes. Based on certain studies and scientific facts. But we have chosen to have hope in the one who creates and gives life. We have chosen to have hope in who He is and not what happens.
I guess what I am trying to say is when you walk with the Lord and you walk with him everyday...you can trust your heart. That is where he lives, right? I picture us walking arms over shoulders swinging our legs forward insynch looking alot like The Monkees. When you walk with the Lord your heart should look like the Lord's. And sometimes in some situations you have to look over, above, and beyond your circumstances, and what the "medical books" have to say and decide to make some decisions based on your training in instinct medicine. I think in scripture they call that faith :)
Psalm 111:10 says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom..." Maybe we should spend less time looking at our circumstances and more time looking at who God is and he will give us the ability to diagnose all of the instinct medicine we need.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Man vs. Bedrest
So, today has been somewhat of a poor me day. As much as I don't want it to be and as much as I hate to admit it I have just been foul. I can blame it on lots of things and I am sure that being inside for the past 7 days has something to do with it, but it still aggravates me I am here. I don't want to try to be Polly Positivity but I also don't want to just begin sinking.
One of Nate and my favorite shows is Man vs. Wild. It's a great survival show that comes on the Discovery Channel. Bear Grylls, the host of the show and the man facing the wild, throws himself into life or death situations week after week with the goal of showing you how to survive if you were stranded in extreme places such as the dessert or freezing temperatures. In all honesty the reason we love this show is because he does crazy, and I mean crazy things. He has been known to drink his own urine and sleep for a night in a dead camel carcass. At least once during the episode you can hear us screaming, "Ohhhhhhhhh, no way!" as our hands cover our eyes just enough to block the grossness, but still see what he is doing. And they we just laugh and laugh at how extreme he gets. One more than one occasion I have also been quoted as saying, "If I was ever stuck there, I would probably die! I could NEVER do that!" Aside from the crazy things he suggests eating and drinking to make it I believe every episode I have ever seen he has also built a fire at the end of the day no matter how hot, or where he is. The reason he is so insistent about building a fire is because he says the light is good for his morale, it allows him to not feel so alone while he out there in the darkness.
God is referred to many times in scripture as light and shows himself many times through fire. He is the "light of the world", he led the Israelites out of Egypt with a pillar of fire by night, he revealed Christ's birth through the light that the star gave off. I think the reason he uses light is because there is no place too dark where light won't work. In other words you can't miss is. It's right in front of you. Yet so many times when we are in dark places we chose to ignore it.
Being on bed rest is not easy. Last week was pretty good. I was entertained by lots of great friends coming by. I have good books, magazines, games, candy, music and tv. Lot's of people called and I was surprised even with Nate out of town how quickly time passed by. Yesterday Nate got home from being in Mississippi for 5 days and he took me for the first time out of my room. He rolled me to the cafeteria so I could sit with him while he ate and then to the 5th floor atrium where there was a look out spot over the medical center. It was the first time I had seen the sky in 6 days. My room has a window, but the building I am in is between other buildings and I am only on the 3 floor so all I see when I look out is concrete and it always looks cloudy and overcast. So I was surprised when I got to the 5th floor and saw that it was sunny outside! I had really been missing it! I think these aspects of hospital bed rest are the things that weigh the most on people. Things you take for granted every day and the things that if you aren't careful will just put you in a grumpy mood just to be grumpy!
So, back to my bad mood. Yesterday we met with one of the 20 Neonatologists here at Texas Children's Hospital. He came in to discuss with us all of the things we will be facing with a likely premature delivery of the boys. While one on hand it was encouraging on the other I realized how far we still have to go. He told us every possible scenario of what might go wrong with 32 week old twins and how they would go about treating all of them - that was the positive. He also told us things like how we may not be able to hold them for a few days and they would have to be fed through tubes - those are the hard things for a mom to hear. It became hard after that conversation to not just have the "why me's!" The why can't I have a normal pregnancy? Why can't my boys be healthy? Why can't I get guarantees they will be okay? Why can't I keep them in until 36 weeks? I guess I didn't do a good enough job taking captive my thoughts and so even though I slept I still woke up in a bad mood. Then today, I feel like I know more about my boys than my nurse. Now I know that sounds ridiculous and all to prideful but I do! Long story short, she worried me about the boys. She thought they had rolled on their cords and cause cord compression during monitoring. So she kept me on the monitor for 2 hours called the OB, who decided it was okay and just monitor me again like planned that afternoon. For some reason that kept me in a bad mood.
I knew the right answer of what I should do...I should be spiritual and read my bible. Meditate on God's word - that would make me feel better...but in all honesty, I didn't want to. So to compromise I got out my IPOD and put it on a shuffle of my praise and worship music while playing Sudoku online.
After a while a song popped out at me. I can't remember who it's by, but it is called, "Why This Road." As I was listening I was thinking, "yes, this is just how I feel! Why this road?" So I began to think about my feelings in those regards. Immediately after that song was over another came on. This song, by Hillsong, is called "None but Jesus." Now both are great songs, but the heart of the second song is the song that hit more home with me. The chorus says,
"There is no one else for me, None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free, now I live to bring him praise.
All my delight is in you Lord,
All of my hope
All of my strength
Forevemore"
As soon as the song was over a familiar Psalm came to mind, Psalm 19:14 says, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer."
This verse no matter how familiar is always a challenge for me. For one reason it is because it is a cry for God's approval, not man's. Even though I felt foul today, I was able to control my tongue enough so that most people around me would not notice it. Another reason is because of the word meditation. I would like this verse better if it was meditations. Reason being I would not have to keep my heart in a constant state of pleasing. My heart could change from emotion to emotion and as long as some of the meditations were pleasing it might be acceptable. But this is not the case. Just like the song, ALL of my delight has to be in the Lord, ALL of my hope and ALL of my strength. The meditation of my heart has to be set on him or I will be tempted to stray. And not stray where people can see it, but where God, my Rock and my Redeemer, the one who has saved me and who is there for me right now in my foul mood will know it. Not only is that displeasing to Him, but to me as well.
So I guess my big take home thought for the day is that even though my room is dark, I don't know if it's light or dark outside, and I want to let that darkness creep in...I have to remember the survival advice of my friend, Bear, sometimes you need a fire just to keep your spirits up. Because no matter how dark, or how alone, you can see the fire. I just need to stop ignoring it.
I also think that Bear should do an episode of Man vs. Wild where he is pregnant and on bed rest. That is a true case of survival!
One of Nate and my favorite shows is Man vs. Wild. It's a great survival show that comes on the Discovery Channel. Bear Grylls, the host of the show and the man facing the wild, throws himself into life or death situations week after week with the goal of showing you how to survive if you were stranded in extreme places such as the dessert or freezing temperatures. In all honesty the reason we love this show is because he does crazy, and I mean crazy things. He has been known to drink his own urine and sleep for a night in a dead camel carcass. At least once during the episode you can hear us screaming, "Ohhhhhhhhh, no way!" as our hands cover our eyes just enough to block the grossness, but still see what he is doing. And they we just laugh and laugh at how extreme he gets. One more than one occasion I have also been quoted as saying, "If I was ever stuck there, I would probably die! I could NEVER do that!" Aside from the crazy things he suggests eating and drinking to make it I believe every episode I have ever seen he has also built a fire at the end of the day no matter how hot, or where he is. The reason he is so insistent about building a fire is because he says the light is good for his morale, it allows him to not feel so alone while he out there in the darkness.
God is referred to many times in scripture as light and shows himself many times through fire. He is the "light of the world", he led the Israelites out of Egypt with a pillar of fire by night, he revealed Christ's birth through the light that the star gave off. I think the reason he uses light is because there is no place too dark where light won't work. In other words you can't miss is. It's right in front of you. Yet so many times when we are in dark places we chose to ignore it.
Being on bed rest is not easy. Last week was pretty good. I was entertained by lots of great friends coming by. I have good books, magazines, games, candy, music and tv. Lot's of people called and I was surprised even with Nate out of town how quickly time passed by. Yesterday Nate got home from being in Mississippi for 5 days and he took me for the first time out of my room. He rolled me to the cafeteria so I could sit with him while he ate and then to the 5th floor atrium where there was a look out spot over the medical center. It was the first time I had seen the sky in 6 days. My room has a window, but the building I am in is between other buildings and I am only on the 3 floor so all I see when I look out is concrete and it always looks cloudy and overcast. So I was surprised when I got to the 5th floor and saw that it was sunny outside! I had really been missing it! I think these aspects of hospital bed rest are the things that weigh the most on people. Things you take for granted every day and the things that if you aren't careful will just put you in a grumpy mood just to be grumpy!
So, back to my bad mood. Yesterday we met with one of the 20 Neonatologists here at Texas Children's Hospital. He came in to discuss with us all of the things we will be facing with a likely premature delivery of the boys. While one on hand it was encouraging on the other I realized how far we still have to go. He told us every possible scenario of what might go wrong with 32 week old twins and how they would go about treating all of them - that was the positive. He also told us things like how we may not be able to hold them for a few days and they would have to be fed through tubes - those are the hard things for a mom to hear. It became hard after that conversation to not just have the "why me's!" The why can't I have a normal pregnancy? Why can't my boys be healthy? Why can't I get guarantees they will be okay? Why can't I keep them in until 36 weeks? I guess I didn't do a good enough job taking captive my thoughts and so even though I slept I still woke up in a bad mood. Then today, I feel like I know more about my boys than my nurse. Now I know that sounds ridiculous and all to prideful but I do! Long story short, she worried me about the boys. She thought they had rolled on their cords and cause cord compression during monitoring. So she kept me on the monitor for 2 hours called the OB, who decided it was okay and just monitor me again like planned that afternoon. For some reason that kept me in a bad mood.
I knew the right answer of what I should do...I should be spiritual and read my bible. Meditate on God's word - that would make me feel better...but in all honesty, I didn't want to. So to compromise I got out my IPOD and put it on a shuffle of my praise and worship music while playing Sudoku online.
After a while a song popped out at me. I can't remember who it's by, but it is called, "Why This Road." As I was listening I was thinking, "yes, this is just how I feel! Why this road?" So I began to think about my feelings in those regards. Immediately after that song was over another came on. This song, by Hillsong, is called "None but Jesus." Now both are great songs, but the heart of the second song is the song that hit more home with me. The chorus says,
"There is no one else for me, None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free, now I live to bring him praise.
All my delight is in you Lord,
All of my hope
All of my strength
Forevemore"
As soon as the song was over a familiar Psalm came to mind, Psalm 19:14 says, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer."
This verse no matter how familiar is always a challenge for me. For one reason it is because it is a cry for God's approval, not man's. Even though I felt foul today, I was able to control my tongue enough so that most people around me would not notice it. Another reason is because of the word meditation. I would like this verse better if it was meditations. Reason being I would not have to keep my heart in a constant state of pleasing. My heart could change from emotion to emotion and as long as some of the meditations were pleasing it might be acceptable. But this is not the case. Just like the song, ALL of my delight has to be in the Lord, ALL of my hope and ALL of my strength. The meditation of my heart has to be set on him or I will be tempted to stray. And not stray where people can see it, but where God, my Rock and my Redeemer, the one who has saved me and who is there for me right now in my foul mood will know it. Not only is that displeasing to Him, but to me as well.
So I guess my big take home thought for the day is that even though my room is dark, I don't know if it's light or dark outside, and I want to let that darkness creep in...I have to remember the survival advice of my friend, Bear, sometimes you need a fire just to keep your spirits up. Because no matter how dark, or how alone, you can see the fire. I just need to stop ignoring it.
I also think that Bear should do an episode of Man vs. Wild where he is pregnant and on bed rest. That is a true case of survival!
Saturday, June 7, 2008
First Attempts
Well, after much insisting from people around me to start writing about my experience I figured the best way to start was by blogging. Blogging is a funny concept to me. Although I enjoy reading my friends: seeing their pictures, reading their stories, checking in on them - I find it funny to imagine that any one would be that interested in reading mine. But, if nothing else, it will help the time pass over the next few weeks and allow me to chronicle the thoughts that are passing through right now with out having to write them by hand with a golf pencil in my journal or save them to Bill and Angie's computer. We will see if I ever really share this.
So, ground rules first. I know I have a college degree and should be better at grammar and punctuation but I chose to write like I talk. So if it is going to bother you to see comma splices, or improper sentence structure, I suggest you don't continue on.
As I was setting the blog up it asked me for a name. This presented a big challenge for me. I began to feel the pressure to be really funny, or spiritual. Sometimes I seriously over analyze what things like that say about me. All of a sudden I feel summed up by a few words or shorts phrases. For instance, when we found out we were having a baby, I was stressed and I do mean stressed at the idea of picking decorations for the nursery. Not because I cared, or because I thought the babies would care, but I was concerned about what others would think about me when then came to our house. Was I defining who my children would be by the items I hung on the wall. Would it define the type of mother I was - traditional, modern, trendy, or the most terrible thought of all - that I same as the mom down the street? Ironically enough, I did get to pick my nursery theme...but I won't get to decorate it...at least not until after the boys come.
Thus, the title of my blog. Throughout this whole experience a few verses have continued to be a mainstay in my thoughts. One that was there for a while was a verse that we chose to have on our wedding invitation, Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in His time." Looking back, I don't even know if it made much sense to put on our wedding invitation or if it was taken really out of context. But we were trying to make a point that finding each other was worth the wait.
This verse has floated into my head several times over the past few weeks and especially now that I am sitting the days away in my summer home, room Y330. I am trying to not allow myself to concentrate on the time that ticks slowly on my clock wall, but the time that I know is around the corner. The time that in 20 years or even 1 year I can look back on and say, "oh, yea, I was in the hospital for one month while I was pregnant but it wasn't so bad." Or maybe even in a few months when I can look back at the past nine and feel like it was a breeze. I kept thinking about this verse in terms of knowing that God is growing my baby boys and though the time seems to creep now, in His time, they will become all that they need to be for the use of His glory.
So I decided to go ahead and read Solomon's words of wisdom throughout all of Ecclesiastes. Right away I was hit with a phrase that is repeated numerous times throughout the book and something that I think is profound. Many people aren't big fans of the book of Ecclesiastes because it is written for the most part with a very negative undertone. However, much of it I find to be very freeing. Thus the title I picked, chasing the wind.
Solomon, a person who by all accounts had everything, goes through all the things that we look to for security, direction and purpose and basically identifies them all as meaningless. He parallels the pursuit of those things to chasing after the wind. Even though I know most of you know what this means, allow me a minute to paint that picture for you. Chasing the wind is many things. It is something you will never attain - no matter how long you chase, pursue, plan, you will never be able to catch it. It's also never a constant - the direction changes, the velocity changes, and what it brings with it changes.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned over the past 8 weeks is that if you are looking for security in circumstance you will never find it. Nate and I have joked that every time we have taken a deep breathe is when we walk into the doctor and get the blow of more hard news. I remember the day we found out the boys had TTTS, the flipped chromosome AND that I was being admitted to the hospital were all days we had sat in waiting rooms joking and laughing. Not that joking and laughing are bad, but for a while I started to say, I am not going to stop worrying until they are here. Then I realized how silly that sounded too. I came to the profound realization that it is all part of being a parent. Worry about you children's safety and best interest will always be there. If you aren't worried about this stage, you will be worried about the next. You can't wait to breathe until things are perfect or you will end up suffocating.
Thus chasing the wind. A blog about the times in the near future, probably today, where I will once again start trying to rest in things that make sense to me. Find security in things that I think make me secure, find assurance in things that I understand. And totally missing the point that the only thing worth chasing is the one who made the wind and tells it where to blow.
So, ground rules first. I know I have a college degree and should be better at grammar and punctuation but I chose to write like I talk. So if it is going to bother you to see comma splices, or improper sentence structure, I suggest you don't continue on.
As I was setting the blog up it asked me for a name. This presented a big challenge for me. I began to feel the pressure to be really funny, or spiritual. Sometimes I seriously over analyze what things like that say about me. All of a sudden I feel summed up by a few words or shorts phrases. For instance, when we found out we were having a baby, I was stressed and I do mean stressed at the idea of picking decorations for the nursery. Not because I cared, or because I thought the babies would care, but I was concerned about what others would think about me when then came to our house. Was I defining who my children would be by the items I hung on the wall. Would it define the type of mother I was - traditional, modern, trendy, or the most terrible thought of all - that I same as the mom down the street? Ironically enough, I did get to pick my nursery theme...but I won't get to decorate it...at least not until after the boys come.
Thus, the title of my blog. Throughout this whole experience a few verses have continued to be a mainstay in my thoughts. One that was there for a while was a verse that we chose to have on our wedding invitation, Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in His time." Looking back, I don't even know if it made much sense to put on our wedding invitation or if it was taken really out of context. But we were trying to make a point that finding each other was worth the wait.
This verse has floated into my head several times over the past few weeks and especially now that I am sitting the days away in my summer home, room Y330. I am trying to not allow myself to concentrate on the time that ticks slowly on my clock wall, but the time that I know is around the corner. The time that in 20 years or even 1 year I can look back on and say, "oh, yea, I was in the hospital for one month while I was pregnant but it wasn't so bad." Or maybe even in a few months when I can look back at the past nine and feel like it was a breeze. I kept thinking about this verse in terms of knowing that God is growing my baby boys and though the time seems to creep now, in His time, they will become all that they need to be for the use of His glory.
So I decided to go ahead and read Solomon's words of wisdom throughout all of Ecclesiastes. Right away I was hit with a phrase that is repeated numerous times throughout the book and something that I think is profound. Many people aren't big fans of the book of Ecclesiastes because it is written for the most part with a very negative undertone. However, much of it I find to be very freeing. Thus the title I picked, chasing the wind.
Solomon, a person who by all accounts had everything, goes through all the things that we look to for security, direction and purpose and basically identifies them all as meaningless. He parallels the pursuit of those things to chasing after the wind. Even though I know most of you know what this means, allow me a minute to paint that picture for you. Chasing the wind is many things. It is something you will never attain - no matter how long you chase, pursue, plan, you will never be able to catch it. It's also never a constant - the direction changes, the velocity changes, and what it brings with it changes.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned over the past 8 weeks is that if you are looking for security in circumstance you will never find it. Nate and I have joked that every time we have taken a deep breathe is when we walk into the doctor and get the blow of more hard news. I remember the day we found out the boys had TTTS, the flipped chromosome AND that I was being admitted to the hospital were all days we had sat in waiting rooms joking and laughing. Not that joking and laughing are bad, but for a while I started to say, I am not going to stop worrying until they are here. Then I realized how silly that sounded too. I came to the profound realization that it is all part of being a parent. Worry about you children's safety and best interest will always be there. If you aren't worried about this stage, you will be worried about the next. You can't wait to breathe until things are perfect or you will end up suffocating.
Thus chasing the wind. A blog about the times in the near future, probably today, where I will once again start trying to rest in things that make sense to me. Find security in things that I think make me secure, find assurance in things that I understand. And totally missing the point that the only thing worth chasing is the one who made the wind and tells it where to blow.
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