First Attempts

Well, after much insisting from people around me to start writing about my experience I figured the best way to start was by blogging. Blogging is a funny concept to me. Although I enjoy reading my friends: seeing their pictures, reading their stories, checking in on them - I find it funny to imagine that any one would be that interested in reading mine. But, if nothing else, it will help the time pass over the next few weeks and allow me to chronicle the thoughts that are passing through right now with out having to write them by hand with a golf pencil in my journal or save them to Bill and Angie's computer. We will see if I ever really share this.

So, ground rules first. I know I have a college degree and should be better at grammar and punctuation but I chose to write like I talk. So if it is going to bother you to see comma splices, or improper sentence structure, I suggest you don't continue on.

As I was setting the blog up it asked me for a name. This presented a big challenge for me. I began to feel the pressure to be really funny, or spiritual. Sometimes I seriously over analyze what things like that say about me. All of a sudden I feel summed up by a few words or shorts phrases. For instance, when we found out we were having a baby, I was stressed and I do mean stressed at the idea of picking decorations for the nursery. Not because I cared, or because I thought the babies would care, but I was concerned about what others would think about me when then came to our house. Was I defining who my children would be by the items I hung on the wall. Would it define the type of mother I was - traditional, modern, trendy, or the most terrible thought of all - that I same as the mom down the street? Ironically enough, I did get to pick my nursery theme...but I won't get to decorate it...at least not until after the boys come.

Thus, the title of my blog. Throughout this whole experience a few verses have continued to be a mainstay in my thoughts. One that was there for a while was a verse that we chose to have on our wedding invitation, Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in His time." Looking back, I don't even know if it made much sense to put on our wedding invitation or if it was taken really out of context. But we were trying to make a point that finding each other was worth the wait.

This verse has floated into my head several times over the past few weeks and especially now that I am sitting the days away in my summer home, room Y330. I am trying to not allow myself to concentrate on the time that ticks slowly on my clock wall, but the time that I know is around the corner. The time that in 20 years or even 1 year I can look back on and say, "oh, yea, I was in the hospital for one month while I was pregnant but it wasn't so bad." Or maybe even in a few months when I can look back at the past nine and feel like it was a breeze. I kept thinking about this verse in terms of knowing that God is growing my baby boys and though the time seems to creep now, in His time, they will become all that they need to be for the use of His glory.

So I decided to go ahead and read Solomon's words of wisdom throughout all of Ecclesiastes. Right away I was hit with a phrase that is repeated numerous times throughout the book and something that I think is profound. Many people aren't big fans of the book of Ecclesiastes because it is written for the most part with a very negative undertone. However, much of it I find to be very freeing. Thus the title I picked, chasing the wind.

Solomon, a person who by all accounts had everything, goes through all the things that we look to for security, direction and purpose and basically identifies them all as meaningless. He parallels the pursuit of those things to chasing after the wind. Even though I know most of you know what this means, allow me a minute to paint that picture for you. Chasing the wind is many things. It is something you will never attain - no matter how long you chase, pursue, plan, you will never be able to catch it. It's also never a constant - the direction changes, the velocity changes, and what it brings with it changes.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned over the past 8 weeks is that if you are looking for security in circumstance you will never find it. Nate and I have joked that every time we have taken a deep breathe is when we walk into the doctor and get the blow of more hard news. I remember the day we found out the boys had TTTS, the flipped chromosome AND that I was being admitted to the hospital were all days we had sat in waiting rooms joking and laughing. Not that joking and laughing are bad, but for a while I started to say, I am not going to stop worrying until they are here. Then I realized how silly that sounded too. I came to the profound realization that it is all part of being a parent. Worry about you children's safety and best interest will always be there. If you aren't worried about this stage, you will be worried about the next. You can't wait to breathe until things are perfect or you will end up suffocating.

Thus chasing the wind. A blog about the times in the near future, probably today, where I will once again start trying to rest in things that make sense to me. Find security in things that I think make me secure, find assurance in things that I understand. And totally missing the point that the only thing worth chasing is the one who made the wind and tells it where to blow.