Monday, July 21, 2008

Another Bear-ism

"Small victories are the key to survival."
How funny, or silly, am I that I seem to keep finding great thoughts from a guy on the Discovery Channel that eats yak eyeballs? But I promise, he says some great things.
The past few weeks have been hard, but they seem to keep getting harder everyday. I fall more in love with my babies everyday and Nate and I are getting more exhausted everyday. There were many times last week when I broke down and thought, "I simply can not do this anymore. I have no more strength to go on...Lord, I am tired."
It has been a long and tiring 14 weeks - 14 weeks since we found out the boys were sick, had surgery, was on bedrest at home, worried about flipped chromosomes, thought the TTTS was reversing, got put on bedrest in the hospital, had the babies, recovered - partially - from a c-section, and now drive back and forth to the hospital everyday multiple times to see my boys. I still haven't seen Blake's face entirely...
Like I said, exhaustion was beginning to set in. There was a night last week where we were at the hospital and I was with Owen and Nate was with Blake and as I sat and held Owen, I just cried. I am sure he was thinking, "Seriously mom, are you already embarrassing me?!" I sat there for an hour singing and crying to him until Nate came into switch and was totally caught off guard by his crying wife. Now hormones give me one excuse, but in all honesty, it was just a really sad moment. I felt as though this time would never be over and I would never get to bring my boys home. I worried about how I was missing the first weeks of their lives, I was not being able to bond with them like a new mother should, they were missing out on each other. God, would this every be over? Would I ever bring them home?
But just like God, being as ever faithful as He is, delivered some encouragament the next day. For the first time in almost 3 weeks they told us something new. In the same day I was told they thought the boys would BOTH come home before their due date which was still about 6 weeks away. My heart suddenly melted as I felt so sorry for doubting God at that time.
Then this past weekend, again, I got upset. This time Nate and I were at home. We had spent a majority of the day at the hospital. We chose to not hold Blake that day because he was a little fussy and didn't want to upset him anymore. That night I called to check on him. When his nurse answered, I introduced myself as the mom of Blake. She then replied to me that they didn't have a Blake. So I began to assume I had been connected to the wrong area when she then responded..."oh wait, here he is." Not words a mother wants to hear. She then told me that his nurse was with another baby and hadn't checked my baby yet. I got off the phone and just cried. I knew that meant my little man had been laying all alone, no one talking to him, no one loving on him, no one holding him for hours...I cried and cried. Nate was so wonderful as he sat on the couch with me...allowing me to cry...and reminding me that, "at least they are here, Kim, at least they are here. We were so close to them not being here." How could I forget that?
Sometimes we get so caught up in the way we want things at that moment that we forget to look around and see that God is still moving, still working and that he has not forgotten us. It's easy to get stuck in the situation we are in. It's easy to trust more in circumstances than in God's character. But God is so good to always give us the glimer of hope that we need to keep going on. We may not get what we want at that moment - my babies coming home - but He gives us what we need for that time.
I guess it is silly to take another quote from Bear Grylls, but if anyone understands survival he does. Some days that is where I am...just trying to survive and so on those days I will take his advice and realize that small victories are the key to survival.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Heart Abandoned

I have never really thought of myself as a music person. I have always tended to listen to whatever was on the radio. I realized how very little I knew of music when I worked on the church staff in Charlotte - now there were some music aficionados.
However, music does play a great role in my life. I love it because it's often times identifiable with where I am at certain moments in time.
Now that I am a mom, my posts might be shorter than when I was sitting in the hospital with days and time to pass by. So to the point...
I had the boys two weeks ago this Thursday. July 3rd was the date 1:33pm and 1:34 pm was the time. Meeting my boys was even more sureal than I could have ever expected. As each one was born they lifted them over a blue curtain to show me their booties, and then wisked them off to stabilize them. I only got to kiss one, Owen, before they took him away to the NICU. They were unable to get an IV into Blake and so they took him before I got to make my official introduction as mom. My doctor had told me earlier in the day that I was allowed to go and see them as soon as I felt up to it that day. We were all thinking around 8pm that night. Well after a few discrepencies with nurses I was never able to go and see the boys. I had to wait until the next morning when I stuck my doctor on hte nurses and then within 5 minutes had resolved the problem I had been working on all night. So at 7 am on the 4th of July, I got to meet my boys.
Now, the whole night before people were coming in with pictures of my babies. Introducing me via digital camerea. I just sat there and looked at these pictures thinking...those are cute babies...but they just look like babies...they don't look like my babies. Even after meeting them for the first time...I was unable to hold them I could simply look at them through isolates...again thinking...cute kids...but those are mine?
Over the next few days I got to hold on them...kiss their heads and slowly and surely they felt more like mine. I was dischared that Sunday and as Nate drive me home we were listening to a Hillsong United CD. There was one song that brought me to tears....
"The Stand"
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

All of a sudden I was in stark realization of what had happened and what we had been through for the past 11 weeks. I was in awe of the one who had given it all - given life - to my babies. And at that point what could I say? All I could do was cry. I had to stand there with arms high...babies in heart being abandoned at that very moment...and one more time sacrifice my babies. Trust them completely into God's hands. We didn't get to bring them home. I had never felt more empty, yet more full than at that moment. I was completely and totally emptied of myself as I left my sweet little boys in their isolates at Texas Children's Hospital.

If that was only as hard as it had gotten. Everyday is harder. I wake up everyday thinking of them and I got to sleep every night dreaming of them. I get very anxious when it is time to go see them - I can't get there quick enough! But everyday I am reminded of God's faithfulness. Everyday I see his love for me and for my sweet boys. Everyday I get to stand in the presence of one of God's miracles.

The story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac takes on a whole new meaning to me. I know what it is like to have a son(s) against all odds. To know that this is the child (children) that you have prayed for so long for. I know what it is like to take that long journey trusting every step of the way that God will provide. Jehovah-Jireh...

God will provide, God is providing, it is his character. Because of that I can face each day though it is hard. Because of that I can trust my boys in his care though they aren't here at home with me. Because of that I get the help with what I need the most to wake up each day and stand.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

My prayer for my boys

So as I lay here at 4am the morning of the boys birthday I find myself wide awake and thinking and waiting with anticipation.
We finally decided on the middle name for Blake tonight-Daniel. Now both boys have biblical names with meanings we pray they live up to.
Blake Daniel-
Daniel means God is my judge. I pray that you live a life that is counter culture with a faith that is unwaivering. That at a young age you are setting a precedent that you won't change, won't back down and that you willing to bow when everyone stands and willing to take a stand when everyone else bows. May you live your life concious of who you are living for - may God be your judge.
Owen Nathaniel-
Nathaniel means gift from God. I pray that you live a life where you are a constant blessing to others. I pray that you are a reminder everyday and in every intetaction of God's provision and plan. That people are strengthened and encouraged by your faith and your story and drawn closer to Him after spending time with you. I pray that you are as much of a gift for others as you are to your dad and I.
Above all we pray you come to know Christ as your Savior and fall more in love with him everyday.