Another Bear-ism

"Small victories are the key to survival."
How funny, or silly, am I that I seem to keep finding great thoughts from a guy on the Discovery Channel that eats yak eyeballs? But I promise, he says some great things.
The past few weeks have been hard, but they seem to keep getting harder everyday. I fall more in love with my babies everyday and Nate and I are getting more exhausted everyday. There were many times last week when I broke down and thought, "I simply can not do this anymore. I have no more strength to go on...Lord, I am tired."
It has been a long and tiring 14 weeks - 14 weeks since we found out the boys were sick, had surgery, was on bedrest at home, worried about flipped chromosomes, thought the TTTS was reversing, got put on bedrest in the hospital, had the babies, recovered - partially - from a c-section, and now drive back and forth to the hospital everyday multiple times to see my boys. I still haven't seen Blake's face entirely...
Like I said, exhaustion was beginning to set in. There was a night last week where we were at the hospital and I was with Owen and Nate was with Blake and as I sat and held Owen, I just cried. I am sure he was thinking, "Seriously mom, are you already embarrassing me?!" I sat there for an hour singing and crying to him until Nate came into switch and was totally caught off guard by his crying wife. Now hormones give me one excuse, but in all honesty, it was just a really sad moment. I felt as though this time would never be over and I would never get to bring my boys home. I worried about how I was missing the first weeks of their lives, I was not being able to bond with them like a new mother should, they were missing out on each other. God, would this every be over? Would I ever bring them home?
But just like God, being as ever faithful as He is, delivered some encouragament the next day. For the first time in almost 3 weeks they told us something new. In the same day I was told they thought the boys would BOTH come home before their due date which was still about 6 weeks away. My heart suddenly melted as I felt so sorry for doubting God at that time.
Then this past weekend, again, I got upset. This time Nate and I were at home. We had spent a majority of the day at the hospital. We chose to not hold Blake that day because he was a little fussy and didn't want to upset him anymore. That night I called to check on him. When his nurse answered, I introduced myself as the mom of Blake. She then replied to me that they didn't have a Blake. So I began to assume I had been connected to the wrong area when she then responded..."oh wait, here he is." Not words a mother wants to hear. She then told me that his nurse was with another baby and hadn't checked my baby yet. I got off the phone and just cried. I knew that meant my little man had been laying all alone, no one talking to him, no one loving on him, no one holding him for hours...I cried and cried. Nate was so wonderful as he sat on the couch with me...allowing me to cry...and reminding me that, "at least they are here, Kim, at least they are here. We were so close to them not being here." How could I forget that?
Sometimes we get so caught up in the way we want things at that moment that we forget to look around and see that God is still moving, still working and that he has not forgotten us. It's easy to get stuck in the situation we are in. It's easy to trust more in circumstances than in God's character. But God is so good to always give us the glimer of hope that we need to keep going on. We may not get what we want at that moment - my babies coming home - but He gives us what we need for that time.
I guess it is silly to take another quote from Bear Grylls, but if anyone understands survival he does. Some days that is where I am...just trying to survive and so on those days I will take his advice and realize that small victories are the key to survival.