Heart Abandoned

I have never really thought of myself as a music person. I have always tended to listen to whatever was on the radio. I realized how very little I knew of music when I worked on the church staff in Charlotte - now there were some music aficionados.
However, music does play a great role in my life. I love it because it's often times identifiable with where I am at certain moments in time.
Now that I am a mom, my posts might be shorter than when I was sitting in the hospital with days and time to pass by. So to the point...
I had the boys two weeks ago this Thursday. July 3rd was the date 1:33pm and 1:34 pm was the time. Meeting my boys was even more sureal than I could have ever expected. As each one was born they lifted them over a blue curtain to show me their booties, and then wisked them off to stabilize them. I only got to kiss one, Owen, before they took him away to the NICU. They were unable to get an IV into Blake and so they took him before I got to make my official introduction as mom. My doctor had told me earlier in the day that I was allowed to go and see them as soon as I felt up to it that day. We were all thinking around 8pm that night. Well after a few discrepencies with nurses I was never able to go and see the boys. I had to wait until the next morning when I stuck my doctor on hte nurses and then within 5 minutes had resolved the problem I had been working on all night. So at 7 am on the 4th of July, I got to meet my boys.
Now, the whole night before people were coming in with pictures of my babies. Introducing me via digital camerea. I just sat there and looked at these pictures thinking...those are cute babies...but they just look like babies...they don't look like my babies. Even after meeting them for the first time...I was unable to hold them I could simply look at them through isolates...again thinking...cute kids...but those are mine?
Over the next few days I got to hold them...love on them...kiss their heads and slowly and surely they felt more like mine. I was dischared that Sunday and as Nate drive me home we were listening to a Hillsong United CD. There was one song that brought me to tears....
"The Stand"
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

All of a sudden I was in stark realization of what had happened and what we had been through for the past 11 weeks. I was in awe of the one who had given it all - given life - to my babies. And at that point what could I say? All I could do was cry. I had to stand there with arms high...babies in hand...my heart being abandoned at that very moment...and one more time sacrifice my babies. Trust them completely into God's hands. We didn't get to bring them home. I had never felt more empty, yet more full than at that moment. I was completely and totally emptied of myself as I left my sweet little boys in their isolates at Texas Children's Hospital.

If that was only as hard as it had gotten. Everyday is harder. I wake up everyday thinking of them and I got to sleep every night dreaming of them. I get very anxious when it is time to go see them - I can't get there quick enough! But everyday I am reminded of God's faithfulness. Everyday I see his love for me and for my sweet boys. Everyday I get to stand in the presence of one of God's miracles.

The story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac takes on a whole new meaning to me. I know what it is like to have a son(s) against all odds. To know that this is the child (children) that you have prayed for so long for. I know what it is like to take that long journey trusting every step of the way that God will provide. Jehovah-Jireh...

God will provide, God is providing, it is his character. Because of that I can face each day though it is hard. Because of that I can trust my boys in his care though they aren't here at home with me. Because of that I get the help with what I need the most to wake up each day and stand.