So, today has been somewhat of a poor me day. As much as I don't want it to be and as much as I hate to admit it I have just been foul. I can blame it on lots of things and I am sure that being inside for the past 7 days has something to do with it, but it still aggravates me I am here. I don't want to try to be Polly Positivity but I also don't want to just begin sinking.
One of Nate and my favorite shows is Man vs. Wild. It's a great survival show that comes on the Discovery Channel. Bear Grylls, the host of the show and the man facing the wild, throws himself into life or death situations week after week with the goal of showing you how to survive if you were stranded in extreme places such as the dessert or freezing temperatures. In all honesty the reason we love this show is because he does crazy, and I mean crazy things. He has been known to drink his own urine and sleep for a night in a dead camel carcass. At least once during the episode you can hear us screaming, "Ohhhhhhhhh, no way!" as our hands cover our eyes just enough to block the grossness, but still see what he is doing. And they we just laugh and laugh at how extreme he gets. One more than one occasion I have also been quoted as saying, "If I was ever stuck there, I would probably die! I could NEVER do that!" Aside from the crazy things he suggests eating and drinking to make it I believe every episode I have ever seen he has also built a fire at the end of the day no matter how hot, or where he is. The reason he is so insistent about building a fire is because he says the light is good for his morale, it allows him to not feel so alone while he out there in the darkness.
God is referred to many times in scripture as light and shows himself many times through fire. He is the "light of the world", he led the Israelites out of Egypt with a pillar of fire by night, he revealed Christ's birth through the light that the star gave off. I think the reason he uses light is because there is no place too dark where light won't work. In other words you can't miss is. It's right in front of you. Yet so many times when we are in dark places we chose to ignore it.
Being on bed rest is not easy. Last week was pretty good. I was entertained by lots of great friends coming by. I have good books, magazines, games, candy, music and tv. Lot's of people called and I was surprised even with Nate out of town how quickly time passed by. Yesterday Nate got home from being in Mississippi for 5 days and he took me for the first time out of my room. He rolled me to the cafeteria so I could sit with him while he ate and then to the 5th floor atrium where there was a look out spot over the medical center. It was the first time I had seen the sky in 6 days. My room has a window, but the building I am in is between other buildings and I am only on the 3 floor so all I see when I look out is concrete and it always looks cloudy and overcast. So I was surprised when I got to the 5th floor and saw that it was sunny outside! I had really been missing it! I think these aspects of hospital bed rest are the things that weigh the most on people. Things you take for granted every day and the things that if you aren't careful will just put you in a grumpy mood just to be grumpy!
So, back to my bad mood. Yesterday we met with one of the 20 Neonatologists here at Texas Children's Hospital. He came in to discuss with us all of the things we will be facing with a likely premature delivery of the boys. While one on hand it was encouraging on the other I realized how far we still have to go. He told us every possible scenario of what might go wrong with 32 week old twins and how they would go about treating all of them - that was the positive. He also told us things like how we may not be able to hold them for a few days and they would have to be fed through tubes - those are the hard things for a mom to hear. It became hard after that conversation to not just have the "why me's!" The why can't I have a normal pregnancy? Why can't my boys be healthy? Why can't I get guarantees they will be okay? Why can't I keep them in until 36 weeks? I guess I didn't do a good enough job taking captive my thoughts and so even though I slept I still woke up in a bad mood. Then today, I feel like I know more about my boys than my nurse. Now I know that sounds ridiculous and all to prideful but I do! Long story short, she worried me about the boys. She thought they had rolled on their cords and cause cord compression during monitoring. So she kept me on the monitor for 2 hours called the OB, who decided it was okay and just monitor me again like planned that afternoon. For some reason that kept me in a bad mood.
I knew the right answer of what I should do...I should be spiritual and read my bible. Meditate on God's word - that would make me feel better...but in all honesty, I didn't want to. So to compromise I got out my IPOD and put it on a shuffle of my praise and worship music while playing Sudoku online.
After a while a song popped out at me. I can't remember who it's by, but it is called, "Why This Road." As I was listening I was thinking, "yes, this is just how I feel! Why this road?" So I began to think about my feelings in those regards. Immediately after that song was over another came on. This song, by Hillsong, is called "None but Jesus." Now both are great songs, but the heart of the second song is the song that hit more home with me. The chorus says,
"There is no one else for me, None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free, now I live to bring him praise.
All my delight is in you Lord,
All of my hope
All of my strength
Forevemore"
As soon as the song was over a familiar Psalm came to mind, Psalm 19:14 says, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer."
This verse no matter how familiar is always a challenge for me. For one reason it is because it is a cry for God's approval, not man's. Even though I felt foul today, I was able to control my tongue enough so that most people around me would not notice it. Another reason is because of the word meditation. I would like this verse better if it was meditations. Reason being I would not have to keep my heart in a constant state of pleasing. My heart could change from emotion to emotion and as long as some of the meditations were pleasing it might be acceptable. But this is not the case. Just like the song, ALL of my delight has to be in the Lord, ALL of my hope and ALL of my strength. The meditation of my heart has to be set on him or I will be tempted to stray. And not stray where people can see it, but where God, my Rock and my Redeemer, the one who has saved me and who is there for me right now in my foul mood will know it. Not only is that displeasing to Him, but to me as well.
So I guess my big take home thought for the day is that even though my room is dark, I don't know if it's light or dark outside, and I want to let that darkness creep in...I have to remember the survival advice of my friend, Bear, sometimes you need a fire just to keep your spirits up. Because no matter how dark, or how alone, you can see the fire. I just need to stop ignoring it.
I also think that Bear should do an episode of Man vs. Wild where he is pregnant and on bed rest. That is a true case of survival!
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