This morning was a weird morning for me. We had the first of two Disciple Now weekends at our church. This one for the middle schoolers. I knew this weekend was happening but because of Nate's work schedule and the boys eating/sleeping schedule we were not able to make it to any of the events. As we came into church this morning and I saw groggy eyed students eating donuts for a sugar rush, servant hearted adults unloading trucks, and my beloved former students home from college to be leaders shouldered with our junior and senior interns who were for the first time leading homes, I was so sad. I was sad because I had missed out.
I have been doing student ministry for 10 years - ever since I left my student ministry. I absolutely love it. I love watching students get it. I love walking alongside the wayward kid as she decides her former way of life isn't giving the fulfilment it once was. I love getting to share in the experiences of my girls who are called to ministry and watching them minister. I love getting to see the light bulb go off in a 6th grade girls head as the Bible become more than stories to her. I love it. I love being apart of it and this morning, I realized I wasn't anymore.
I have been dealing with all of this since last spring when I chose to quit working at the church. Lots of variable played a part in that decision, but the main headliner was the boys being sick. I honestly felt like God was ending my time in that ministry and opening up a new door of ministry for me - mommyhood.
I love being a mom and I know all of this is contradictory. As I walked into the service after dropping off the boys - I missed them being with me, all while missing being a part of what was going on around me. A sweet friend of mine who is way wiser in the ways of mom-ing and I began to talk about her involvement over the weekend. And she said to me so wisely, "Kim I have been where you have been at that time goes so quickly. It is your turn to minister to your boys and my turn to minister to these students."
Oh, the truth in that. I think in all honesty what I really miss is being needed. Being needed to make those weekends work, being the one with the answers, being the one everyone looks at/to. And this morning I was being looked over.
That is the paradox of being a mom. As a mom you are the one who is needed to make life work, I am the one with the answers, and I am the one everyone looks to in the ways of raising my children. Except that with being a mom you are still looked over. A sweet, godly friend of mine said to me after her son was born this past May. "I didn't know being a mom would be so lonely." And it is a tiring, lonely job. But it's the most fulfilling job I have ever had.
So to sum up my crazy selfish day of emotions - today I had to let go of me. I had to realize that I don't get to pick the ministry I want to be apart of or the one that I am most needed in at the time. My job is to be ready for the one in front of me. Right now I have the greatest ministry of all. Leading my boys to love Jesus so that one day they will be leading others to him as well. I guess I have to let go of me in order to embrace them. And they are more than worth it.
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