Letting go...of me

This morning was a weird morning for me. We had the first of two Disciple Now weekends at our church. This one for the middle schoolers. I knew this weekend was happening but because of Nate's work schedule and the boys eating/sleeping schedule we were not able to make it to any of the events. As we came into church this morning and I saw groggy eyed students eating donuts for a sugar rush, servant hearted adults unloading trucks, and my beloved former students home from college to be leaders shouldered with our junior and senior interns who were for the first time leading homes, I was so sad. I was sad because I had missed out.

I have been doing student ministry for 10 years - ever since I left my student ministry. I absolutely love it. I love watching students get it. I love walking alongside the wayward kid as she decides her former way of life isn't giving the fulfilment it once was. I love getting to share in the experiences of my girls who are called to ministry and watching them minister. I love getting to see the light bulb go off in a 6th grade girls head as the Bible become more than stories to her. I love it. I love being apart of it and this morning, I realized I wasn't anymore.

I have been dealing with all of this since last spring when I chose to quit working at the church. Lots of variable played a part in that decision, but the main headliner was the boys being sick. I honestly felt like God was ending my time in that ministry and opening up a new door of ministry for me - mommyhood.

I love being a mom and I know all of this is contradictory. As I walked into the service after dropping off the boys - I missed them being with me, all while missing being a part of what was going on around me. A sweet friend of mine who is way wiser in the ways of mom-ing and I began to talk about her involvement over the weekend. And she said to me so wisely, "Kim I have been where you have been at that time goes so quickly. It is your turn to minister to your boys and my turn to minister to these students."

Oh, the truth in that. I think in all honesty what I really miss is being needed. Being needed to make those weekends work, being the one with the answers, being the one everyone looks at/to. And this morning I was being looked over.

That is the paradox of being a mom. As a mom you are the one who is needed to make life work, I am the one with the answers, and I am the one everyone looks to in the ways of raising my children. Except that with being a mom you are still looked over. A sweet, godly friend of mine said to me after her son was born this past May. "I didn't know being a mom would be so lonely." And it is a tiring, lonely job. But it's the most fulfilling job I have ever had.

So to sum up my crazy selfish day of emotions - today I had to let go of me. I had to realize that I don't get to pick the ministry I want to be apart of or the one that I am most needed in at the time. My job is to be ready for the one in front of me. Right now I have the greatest ministry of all. Leading my boys to love Jesus so that one day they will be leading others to him as well. I guess I have to let go of me in order to embrace them. And they are more than worth it.

6 months and some change

I promise one day to write about something other than my babies! I use to get so annoyed with women who only talked about their kids. But I just can't help it! They are really cute and they are my little buddies! And for the record, I try really hard while in conversations with people to actually talk about something other than Blake and Owen - so sorry for people who read my blog! I guess you are figuring it out.

So I saw this on another mom's blog and thought it was really cute. She did it when her kid was 6 months and mine are 6 months and some change - but it still works.

OWEN (for the record his name is FULL of hard letters!)

O - Overly Cuddly
I know that is a bad start, but O is a hard letter! Owen is the most cuddly kid you will ever meet. He loves to be loved on and he will just melt into you! They say at church they always hold him, because he is so easy to hold!

W- Wide-eyed
Owen has the brightest eyes I have ever seen. They are always so big like he is taking in every moment.

E- Excitable
Owen is so easily excited. Just look at him across the table and he squeals with excitement. But the two people who get the loudest yells - Daddy and Blake.

N- Nice
Okay, I know I am showing you how lacking my vocabulary is, but, the point is that Owen does not have a mean bone in his body...at least we haven't found it yet.

*For the record, I wish there was an "R" in his name. It would stand for Rabbi. Owen loves to do this sound in the back of his throat. He makes it all day long like he is try to speak Hebrew.

17 lbs 8oz

BLAKE

B- Bouncy
My little guy could stand all day long. He loves to stand in front of me while bouncing up and down.

L- Loud
Blake is really a happy kid and squeals when excited...and boy, oh boy, the squeals can get loud! And high pitched!

A- All Smiles
Blakey LOVES people...especially girls. When in public - he is grinning.

K- Kicker
The cutest thing Blake is does (okay...I don't know if I could pick the cutest...but this certainly is a favorite) is kick his feet when happy. If he is in his bouncer and we need to move him, we just pick the whole thing up and when we do he starts to kick his feet like he is going to take off! He also kicks and kicks while you are kissing him.

E- Energetic
Blake wakes up happy and ready to go. He would play all day long if we would let him. In the mornings I am greeted by him talking to himself while kicking the bumper in his bed. I peek over to see him and say good morning and he gives me a high pitched squeal and huge grin.

13lbs 10oz

What can I say, I am a lucky mom! See why I talk about them all the time!

Shhh...Daddy's got you

I have heard more than once from my mommy friends about the phenomenon of daddies. How a mom can spend all day taking care of the children, but when the dad walks through the door it is all about him. Children light up at the sight of their dad.

I have seen that many times with the boys. I can't even begin to count the number of times they have been fussy or upset and the only one that can calm them down is their dad.

This past weekend we were going to take the boys to their first teenage party. One of the girls from our church, whom the boys lovingly (well not yet, but will) call, Aunt Lauren, was turning 18. So we headed on over to the dance party! We got a little turned around getting there so the drive took longer than we expected and not surprisingly lulled the boys to sleep. So when we got there it was time to eat, dark and we woke them up to get them out of the car. Our normally VERY social boys were a little sleepy eyed as we walked up to the house. We walked in and were greeted by some very excited students all dancing and singing to Kris Kross' "Jump" - even though I am sure they were all about 2 or younger when it came out. And there it was in all of it's terrifying glory above the jumping students - the disco ball. One look at the spinning lights and loud singing and the boys LOST it! They were screaming and burying their heads into our chests...they were completely freaked out! About two seconds later, Lauren came over to say hi. Once Blake saw her...all was good. Owen peeked out from his daddy's chest with a faint smile all to see the disco ball once again and the crying was back.

For the next few minutes Blake and I made our rounds through the party as he kicked his feet to the music, was passed around and was entranced by all the pretty girls. I kept looking over my shoulder to see Nate with Owen pressed into his chest still crying with even the faintest peer at the disco ball. A few minutes later we were in the kitchen where Nate tried to join us with Owen, as he walked in, someone popped a balloon and it was over - out on the front porch they went. As they were heading out the door I head Nate say, "Shh...little buddy...it's okay...daddy's got you." Later on that night after we got home I heard Nate tell Owen once again, "It's okay pal, I won't let anyone or anything hurt you."

There was no one else Owen wanted that night, just his dad. And I know his daddy pretty well and I am confidant that the words he was whispering to him were true. He was holding on tight to his little guy and wasn't about to let anyone or anything cause him harm. His daddy loves him and his daddy is serious about his job of protecting him.

God is wise and he has shaped dad's to be exactly as they are. Strong and protective. Their children need that. Just like we need that in our heavenly Father. As I watched Nate the other night I thought about the times I was scared and all I wanted was to crawl in the lap of God the Father and how he was always faithful to say the same words to me when I needed to hear it..."Shh.. it's okay Kim...Daddy's got you." In those moments that was all I needed to hear.

Amazed...

A group of people from the Early Childhood Intervention Center just left the house. We were referred to them from the NICU because if how premature the boys were. I have put it off once, but finally had them come out to analyze the boys. Basically it is a program offered through the state to help children before it's too late to help them. I have been told since day one that the boys will more than likely be behind in some way because of being born 8 weeks early.

There is a lot of confusing talk that goes along with Preemies. One of those is how old they should be acting. There is their real age - dependant on when their birthday is, and their adjusted age - dependant on when they were suppose to be born. They are only expected to be developmentally on course for their adjusted age which is 4 months old.

Nate and I think they are amazing, but I was really amazed a few minutes ago when the four specialists smiled at me and were happy to tell me that the boys no longer would need their services. Not only were they well past their adjusted age, they were even past their real age - 6 months. They both are doing things that are expected of older babies!

I love hearing from medical people that these little guys are miracles.

I don't know why God has been so gracious to us...but he has...he spared them and not only that but they are flourishing.

Every day I am reminded of God's goodness when I look into 2 sets of big blue eyes. And every day I am reminded that I have NOTHING to do with it. Every time I think I have mommy-hood figured out I am reminded by someone or something that I don't. Every morning is a new lesson in not only God's faithfulness, but God's grace as well.

Today, I am amazed...

Is it spring yet?

I love being a Texas girl. Mainly because I love warm weather. With the exception of October 31st - January 1st when I want to experience cold holidays...other wise, bring on the SPRING! Last week was one of those great days where living in Texas paid off! 75 degrees in January. So I took full advantage by taking the boys to the park. They got to go in the swing for the very first time. They were cute...but sadly...the swing lulled them into an early nap. We went from there to a walk around the neighborhood. I jsut wanted everyone to enjoy the cuteness of how TINY Blake was in his swing. Also...they were too cute in long sleeve t-shirts, jean shorts and tennis shoes! I love having boys!

I don't think so, mommy!

I don't like change...can't you see it on their faces? Blake and Owen just celebrated their 6 month birthday. That means, it's time for their 6 month check up and the long awaited permission to try solids. I was so excited about this next "big boy" stage in their life. I had bought some cute, bright colored spoons and had their MSU bowls washed and ready to go. Dr. Smoot gave me the go ahead and suggested starting with Rice Cereal.

Back in September, when Blake choked, we began putting Rice Cereal in both of the boys formula to help with spit up. So for about 3 1/2 months they have been tasting Rice Cereal mixed with formula 6 times a day, 7 days a week and they never even blinked an eye.

However, if served with a spoon - DIFFERENT STORY. I have never seen such resistance! It was hillarious. We tried all the old tricks and I have never seen them be so bright as figuring out how to grin with clinched jaws.

Everyone I spoke with said,"Rice Cereal is gross...they probably just don't like the taste." Like the taste! Are you kidding me? It's the same taste they have every day! And it was the same consitentcy! It all came down to my brightly colored spoon. They wanted it through a bottle...not a spoon.

Isn't that just like all of us with the Lord? We want things in the form that is most familiar to us. What we are use to. It doesn't matter if He is giving us the same kind of love, attention, blessings, answers to prayers...we want it in the form we most understand. Give it to me like I have always had it...I don't want to change, I don't want to grow up...I want to have my bottle!!!

Good thing they are cute...you think God thinks the same thing about us?