This post will have no cute pictures...so check back later if that's what you are here for.
I use to journal a lot...now typing is a better/faster way for me to get my thoughts out. So here is my outlet.
I have been studying the book of Ephesians since September through Precepts Ministries. I have really enjoyed it. I have learned a lot as well as had the opportunity to put some scripture to back up things I believe.
One week we were studying about the peace that Christ's brings into creating one new man. Ephesians is a letter written by Paul to the church in Ephesus that was made up of Gentile believers. To many Christians during that day the term Gentile Christian was an oxymoron. So Paul in his first three chapters of the book is basically talking about how Christ came and saved the Gentile and not just the Jew. And how one day Christ would establish peace between the two creating one new man.
You can't watch the news with out hearing about the unrest in the Middle East that still today is between the Jew and Gentile. Christ came to establish peace and peace will not be known on this Earth until he returns. Which is what brings me to my point.
As we were studying about this and addressing Christ's return my stomach began doing what is always does when one talks about end times...it begins feeling anxious.
I always find this odd. I was saved at the age of 8 and in no way, shape or form doubt my salvation. But why does talking about death/end times make me so anxious? I couldn't even read the Left Behind series in high school for the unsettling feeling.
Besides that unfortunately I have seen a lot of death in the past 2 years. My grandad past away, followed by the boys being in the hospital and seeing/meeting may families who lost sweet babies, and most recently 3 students (2 former and 1 current) have passed away from accidents and cancer. I know God is sovereign and in control and that in all of those situations you can see and trust in His wisdom - but still that unsettling feeling.
Then I don't know if you have heard Steven Curtis Chapman's new song Heaven is the Face - man oh man...it's about his little girl who was killed by a car accident...it's on the radio a lot. I usually have to sit in the car and cry it out when I hear it! But again...unsettling.
How do you reconcile those feelings while trying to be waiting for Christ's return or Heaven? Through it all is always a promise of Peace but I still tend to feel anxious.
Then as always the boys showed me something pretty profound.
As previously mentioned in other postings the boys love their Dada. So when he gets home at night it's a pretty big event in our house. There is a window by the drive way that they toddle to and wait there, licking the glass, until he gets out of his car. They then start banging on it and squealing with delight.
A few nights ago Nate was coming home later than usual. I heard lots of questions about Dada that night. I would try to tell them that he was at work and that he would be home soon. Every once and a while I would look over to catch Blake standing at that window looking for Dada to drive up. The shade was even drawn and so he had lifted in on his own and was standing between it and the window ciel nose pressed to the glass just waiting.
See he gets something I never had before. I think all of those things previously mentioned make me uneasy because I don't get it. I know in my head that what God has planned for me after this life will far surpass anything in it. I know this life is full of car accidents, cancer and heart break that we won't have to deal with one day. But I still know this life. I get it. I know how to maneuver in it. And somewhere in my heart I would rather be comfortable with what I know than pressed to trust in something I don't fully know and change what I do.
Blake doesn't have this problem. He knows that when his Dada comes home it's not change, it's completion. He isn't worried about sharing Mommy, or Owen, he just knows that our family is Mommy, Owen, Blake AND Dada and that things are better, right, perfect, how they were meant to be when he is home.
Oh, the faith of a child.
God give me the wisdom of a 15 month old. To know that when you come, it will bring me completion, not negative change of taking away the things I love. But that you will make things the way they were meant to be. You, me and those that love you -- together.
Owen - he didn't want to smile for the camera...but he did like bouncing on the pumpkin!
