A year for real?

Well I am sad that this post is a few days late - but our computer has been down. But this past week served as the one year anniversary of finding out our boys had TTTS (on April 21), and then having their life saving surgery (April 24). I honestly can not believe it has been a year.

The boys will be 10 months old on May 3. They are crawling all over the house, eating every thing insight, and talking all of the time. They are now in the "cute kittens" class at church, we have lowered their cribs and the best thing - being the best of friends. We can hardly get them to go down for naps because they would rather play. So for 45 minutes to an hour we hear alot of squealing and laughing as they peer through their crib slats at each other. They are our little balls of energy and joy.

I found myself reliving that awful week over and over. I could remember every emotion, thought, and tear.

I was also reminded of how good my God is. Yes, because He saved the babies. But not just that. Those 10 weeks from finding out they were sick until they were delivered and the 6 weeks of trips to the NICU before having both my love bugs home were a haunting time for Nate and I. We were constantly under a cloud of "what if's" and fear. At moments it had the ability to be all consuming.
One of the biggest life lessons I learned during that was to focus on what I knew, not on what I didn't.

I knew God loved me. I knew God loved Blake and Owen. I knew God was the creator of life. I knew God was sovereign. I knew God didn't make mistakes.

I didn't know if the boys would live. I didn't know why this had happened. I didn't know if they did live what their lives would be like - would their be repercussions from their prematurity? And often times I didn't know how much more I could handle.

My dad says, "It's mind over matter; I don't mind and you don't matter." Can you believe I am even normal? Just kidding...

But for me it was mind over matter. I was choosing to set my mind on things above, not on earthly things (Colossians 3:2). I love the way The Message(another translation of the Bible)paraphrases this verse "Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective."

That is honestly what got us through those weeks.

This past week as I reflected on this, I realized something else. Not only was it by God's grace that the babies were saved, but that Nate and I got through it. If it wasn't for God kindness and grace to invite me into a relationship with him when I was 8 years old (20 years ago this August!) I would not have been able to put one foot in front of the other to make it through that time.

One of the main reasons I was hospitalized for the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy was because Owen was loosing fluid. We weren't sure why or how, we just knew he was. With out fluid in his sac he essentially had no room to swim around which meant he could easily roll over his cord and his blood flow would be cut off causing him to die. As scary as that sounded we did constant monitoring and the doctors had one other positive thought - Blake was there.

Because of the success of the surgery Blake's fluid level, which prior to surgery was almost nil, was now at a healthy level. And so even if Owen's was down, he had a cushion right next to him that if he needed to, he could lean on and get some relief and keep him from harm.

I think that is a good picture of what it was like for me and the Lord during that time. I was running low, but because the Lord was right next to me when I needed to I could easily rest on him. But just like it only worked for Blake and Owen because they were in it together, it only worked for the Lord and I because we too were in it together.

I know most of you who read this blog know and love Jesus, but I also know that some of you don't. Please let me encourage you that if you don't know Jesus I would love to share with you all about it.

I am so glad my boys are here one year later. I am so happy every day watching them grow and change. But more than that I am so glad I serve a God who loves me and loves my boys.